Thursday, November 05, 2015

Professional help

Right now I'm following a professional help program regarding my sexual problems.

It's all in the early stages. I connection with the incident when I had unprotected sex with a prostitute, I told the doctor about my problems of not being able to control my sexual behaviour. He made an appointment for me with the psychologist of the clinic, who could refer me to somebody else if necessary. So I met the psychologist. She said there were two possibilities. Either way I had difficulties controlling my impulses, or I had a sex addiction. There were different treatments for each. She decided to label me as a sex addict and referred me to an addiction service which also treats sexual addictions. The funny thing is that she calmly listened to me when I told her about the transgressive sexual acts I watched in pornography, which upset me a lot. When I told her I had unprotected sex with a prostitute, she freaked out. She looked me sternly in the eyes, and said that I should never do this again. You could say that to me, but that is what I obviously already know.

Recently I had my first appointment with a lady from the addiction service. I talked about my problems and the lady said to me that my behaviour apparently has a function, otherwise I wouldn't do it. I am going to follow a treatment developed by a certain guy (Gertjan van Zessen). His theory is that the problems of sex addicts could ultimately be traced back to their low self image.

I beg to differ. After all, I am a vegan for many years now, and I am perfectly capable of controlling my eating behaviour. I will tell her about my reservations next time we meet.

I told her, her personal opinion might be that she doesn't reject prostitution, but that I don't want to visit prostitutes anymore. She said the clinic always respects the ultimate wishes of the clients. I told her this because one "social psychiatric nurse" once said to me that I should visit prostitutes once a month, after I told him about my problems.

I hoped after talking openly about my uncontrollable sexual behaviour with two persons, that it would make me feel more comfortable. Unfortunately I still compulsively watch porn sites, and I still watch advertisements of prostitutes who advertise with intercourse without protection. I try to count on my phone how many days I don't do this. Usually after a day or 3, or 4, or 5, I fall back into my old behaviour.

I notice a strange thought within me which says that now that I follow a treatment program I am not allowed to stop with my behaviour, because after all, this would mean I could control my behaviour. I will tell the lady about it. It is very strange, irrational.

As an aside, I know that the idea of sexual addiction is controversial. Some say (such as David Ley) that it doesn't exist. I think they have point. But I believe ultimately no psychiatric illness does exist. At the end we have to make a subjective judgement of which behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable. It's all relative. What it boils down to is that I have a problem. I am endangering myself and others. And I am sexually harassing prostitutes. It is very frightening that I am unable to stop this behaviour. Well, for a while at least. Every time I can control my urges, this is a small victory. But when I eventually give in to my urges, it is a very very very big defeat. It would be best if I didn't have these urges at all, but what can I do?

And it seems I don't have any STI's (no chlamydia, no gonorrhea, no syfilus), but I still have to wait to get my HIV-test because of the incubation period. I texted the prostitute about the good news. She was happy for me, and she said that day she was also tested.

Oh, and I said I wouldn't write on my blog again. I did.

UPDATE 12 November 2015: The lady from the clinic said that I don't need to be watching porn or visiting prostitutes to ask for help. She said people also ask for help when they are afraid they are going to do something bad, while never actually doing it. The clinic helps them to keep their behaviour under control. And she also said that it is not abnormal that I can control other behaviours (like being vegan) other than my sexuality. She said that in my cause my problems express themselves in watching porn and visiting prostitutes, and that fortunately we don't become addicted to everything when we have problems. And I made the agreement that I write it down when I do something positive (to make me feel positive), and when I feel cravings and what I have done to stop them. I don't like the idea, but I do it anyway, and let's see what happens.

UPDATE 9 November 2015: I left this therapy. I had two conversations with a young male counselor. He gave me the order to do something good for a person every day. This only made me feel more nervous. This is something that is way above my capabilities, unachievable, so it only makes me feel more insecure. Above all, he said to me that I shouldn't focus on the pornography. It doesn't have a priority. The pornography is a result of my low self-esteem, I should do something about that. And he advised me to watch porn, but this time just the lighter, less degrading stuff. That's what I did, but I also watched the relatively more degrading material anyway. I feel worse than ever before, and I haven't watched pornography more often in my life than now!!! Above all, I don't believe my sex problems have something to do with my low self-esteem. I just like kinky sex, but I feel guilty about it because I am aware of the abuses in the sex industry. But there is still a little voice within me which says it is acceptable because it is 'consensual' so it is 'acceptable', which opens the gate to fall back to my old behaviour. You know the drill. I have to fight this on my own. I have to convince myself thoroughly that pornography and prostitution is wrong. This fight will go on for a long time.