Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Embedded documentary

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Oh, here's one of these documentaries I've found on the internet, haven't seen it myself (the moment I'm writing this):

I found it on:
http://videos.escapeartist.com/watch_video.php?v=91337MX1GX22

But I like the embedding of this website more:
http://docunet.nl/red-light-blues/

The documentary is called Red Light Blues - A documentary by Izzy Abrahami - Is this the swan song of Amsterdam's Red Light District (Abrahami-netz TV productions, released in 2008 or so). It is about the famous red light district in Amsterdam, called the 'Wallen'. Also some prostitutes are interviewed.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Copy editing

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I stop posting on my blog for a while. Right now, I do some copy editing. I notice while reading back my posts, that I make some embarrassing mistakes here and there. A couple during each posts. So I want to correct them, before going further. Place some extra commas here and there, rework some sentences, invert some inversions, correct some syntax errors, etc......

Oh, about masturbating. I do it again. But I want to stop again. The spirit is weak, the body is strong, but my spirit should be stronger. Guess what I am fantasising about during masturbation? Right! Visiting prostitutes. I have seen three very lovely prostitutes on De Wallen in Amsterdam, so I'm fantasising about them. I don't fantasise about sex with these women. I'm fantasing about going to De Wallen, walking to one of these women, and then entering their room. That's it! That's the fantasy!!!! Then I have an orgasm.

I shouldn't even think about it. The problems lie in my thoughts, not masturbation. I should correct my thoughts. Of course I know these women are probably coerced to work in prostitution. Feeding the sex industry is feeding the rape of women (expect for these women of 'Women of the world' escort agency and 'Vialet escort agency', oh, and Pascale, Zondares, Jeanette1, Ilse de Rooij, Blond Stewardesje, etc....).

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The quest for the voluntarily prostitute has ended

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I say in the header of my blog that I am a John whose quest it is to find the voluntarily prostitute. However, I slowly realised that I am not searching for a voluntarily prostitute at all. My tactic is to find involuntary prostitutes, and to look where they work. Then I assume that prostitutes must be working voluntarily if they don't work in places where involuntary prostitutes are often supposed to be working. I notice that forced prostitutes in the Netherlands mainly work in two types of prostitution nowadays: window prostitution and escort prostitution. Forced prostitutes don't seem to be showing up much often in sex clubs and so-called ‘privéhuizen’, these types of brothels are indoor brothels, with a bar and without a bar respectively. So I conclude that prostitutes who work in these types of brothels must in a large majority work voluntarily.
But I never was much interested in stories about voluntary prostitutes to begin with. You regularly read stories about voluntarily prostitutes, many times they are very positive about the profession. These prostitutes tell that they enjoy being together with their clients, they enjoy the sex, they enjoy the personal contact, and they enjoy to meet interesting new people. I have problems believing these stories. Honestly, I cannot really believe that women genuinely enjoy the sex with so many, often old and dirty clients. Unless you are a masochist of some sort, enjoying the humiliation of having sex with men you would detest under normal circumstances. I can believe that a woman works independently in prostitution, without a pimp or somebody else who exploits her. I believe that some women have made a conscious decision to do this work. But do they really enjoy it?

I wonder if these stories aren't really masked advertisements. There are sex magazines which feature short interviews with prostitutes. A photograph of the prostitute is depicted alongside the interview. Also the name of the brothel or escort agency is added. In these interviews the women obviously tell that they enjoy their work a lot. But that is so obvious, they wouldn't tell that they don't enjoy their work in what is clearly an advertisement. In women's magazines you often read stories about happy hookers. And also these stories seem to be masked advertisements. There are many stories about prostitutes who work for the escort agencies 'Women of the World' and 'Vialet Escort Service'. Also these stories are really positive. But perhaps I should give them the benefit of the doubt. These are high-class escort agencies. Usually rich businessman use the services of these agencies, often for many hours, 300 euro per hour. The prostitutes are especially selected regarding their beauty, intelligence, and sexual and conversational skills. Also the clients are screened, they have to give their full names and addresses to the escort agencies. The agencies check if these persons are real.

I read a book written by Lindsay Momerency, which is called 'Studente ontvangt – Bijverdienste in de prostitutie' (2012). She interviewed prostitutes who work for 'Vialet Escort Service'. One prostitute tells that she has worked with other escort agencies, but she wasn't satisfied about every single one of them. Sometimes she was paid too little, or the boss was annoying. She read something in the paper about Zoë Vialet and then she tried it with this agency. She is satisfied about it. She really started this for the kick. It seemed terrific to her to do something that really shocks people (See!!! Sexuality is all about transgression!). She doesn’t want a boring life. Another prostitute tells that if a girl isn’t satisfied about a client, then he is removed from the system. So, that means that this client cannot approach this escort agency anymore.

This mode of conduct is unusual for an escort agency or brothel. Usually escort agencies and brothels don’t screen their clients. I believe that if the rotten apples are removed, then it could be possible for prostitutes to work with a high degree of safety and while also having a high degree of respect from the clients. So perhaps I have found the voluntary prostitutes I was looking for. In my opinion sexuality is still something bad, but perhaps you could create some special situations where there is some mutual respect, albeit very little. In my opinion, sexuality is always something abusive. A man can only develop an erection through objectification and transgression. However, if a woman doesn't bother about being the object of objectification and transgression, then perhaps it is okay. But it is still silly.

Some time ago, the students magazine Folia featured a story about two student prostitutes, called Cindy and Anna in the article (‘Het is eigenlijk jammer dat je het niet op je cv kunt zetten’, Annemiek Recourt, Folia, weekblad voor de Universiteit van Amsterdam, jaargang 64 19/11/2010 nummer 11). They both work for 'Women of the World'. The article has made an impression on me. (From here on I mainly follow the text from the article). They offer the client a girlfriend experience, where talking and kissing are just as important as sex. Cindy believes that people underestimate the work: 'They believe that you lie down and then it's done. But you have to give yourself both mentally and physically. The clients are often highly educated, successful men, mostly from abroad. You entertain them on multiple areas, talk with them about politics, about art. It is certainly no assembly-line work.' Anna says: 'Often the client books a dinner package. That consists of two hours dining and two hours private time in the hotel chamber. When I started to do this work, I especially worried about the first thing: if I was interesting enough as a conversational partner. You must have a lot going for one. It is actually a pity that you can’t put it on your CV.

And the sex? Being an escort is more than just talking pleasantly. Anna: 'Yes, of course, you must actually like sex. But I don't have much difficulties giving myself physically.' She believes that she experiences a lot of nice things. Recently, she set off with five colleagues: booked by a group of six men. 'One of them had arranged it as a surprise for the rest. It was a cosy evening, which only ended at seven o'clock in the morning.' But also the Hindu doctor, who never had sex with somebody else other than his own wife, made a big impression. 'He wanted to have more confidence about his achievements in bed. That was a special experience.'

Are Anna’s stories not much too rosy? These often older men can't possibly be always friendly and attractive. Both Cindy and Anna believe however that in most clients you can discover 'something nice'. Cindy: 'is a beautiful appearance necessary to have a good time? An interesting personality or a passionate story can also be very charming.' Okay, sometimes you have bad luck indeed. Last week, Anna had 'such a person with whom it didn't go smoothly. Above all, he spoke English badly. Then it is really hard work. And yet, you get over it; after all, you offer a service which has been paid for."
When somebody is drunk, or really unpleasant, then the women make a U-turn on the spot, although that has never happened yet. They also don't do just everything what has been asked of them. Fortunately, the men indicate their wishes (think about: anal, sadomasochism, fetishes) when they book.

Cindy has had several jobs on the side, but she found them all equally 'dull', and she emphasises the emancipated character of her present source of income: 'I must offer a certain quality, I am my own boss.' Doesn’t she struggle with the ethics of her work? 'No, actually not.' Cindy is silent for a while. Then: 'I enjoy it and I harm nobody with it. So I see no problem.' Anna is sometimes sick about having a lesser evening. 'At such a moment, you are confronted with what you are doing: then you are a whore anyway. Because we mustn't also idealise it: such a man pays for you, it is no pretty woman.' But she also is very enthusiastic. 'I push back my boundaries this way. I have learned that some things are sometimes scarier than they are, and that I dare to do it anyway in such a case. I find that tough of myself.' (Once again: see! Sexuality is all about transgression!)

Both call girls are convinced that this work is not suited for everybody. Anna emphasizes that money shouldn’t be the main drive: 'Having a great liking for sex is an absolute prerequisite, you must be in for strange things.' (See! Sexuality is transgression!) It also has a lot of impact on your social life. Cindy explains: 'Even if you are only booked for two small hours, you have lost your whole evening.' And mentally you must be very strong: 'The moment that I enter somewhere, I turn the switch and change myself into Cindy, who has a different age, a different study, a different birthplace. That's why my work name is so important.'
You must also be able to combine it with your ideas about love. These ideas have changed for Cindy because of her work: she doesn't believe in monogamy anymore. Anna has an open relationship. Her boyfriend knows of her 'hobby' and doesn't find it a problem, according to Anna. 'He says: "you are not my property". He believes that it is a phase which I have to go through.' She does realise how special his attitude is, and she is happy with it, because she 'wouldn't be able to keep silent about something important like that'.

(Here I go back to my own musings) Now the point is, if it is really true that only voluntarily prostitutes work at these particular escort agencies, why shouldn't I make use of that? I have enough money to do it. And above all, they offer me a girlfriend experience! I have the opportunity to kiss women this way, something that is unavailable to me in real life. The probability that these women are coerced is practically nil. And these women are not offended by me having sex with them. They don't have low feelings about their customers. So what's the big deal? I think it's just the whole fuss about arranging the whole thing; phoning to the escort agency, going through the whole screening process, arranging a hotel, going to the hotel, paying the prostitute, paying the hotel room, the insecurity about the person you are about to meet, the insecurities about having sex, do I actually want to have sex?, do I actually need sex? It is much easier to just go to a random brothel, pick a woman, and have sex with her. And this is also a big deal. I think it would be better just to lie down on my own bed and to masturbate. It is cheaper, and I harm nobody.

By the way: I masturbated again, after six weeks. :( Against all my promises…..

Oh, I promised to be an asexual six weeks ago.

Anyway, I harmed nobody. I just wanted to know what happens when you masturbate after six weeks of abstention. Really, I didn’t enjoy it at all. I can do without it.

(I am really sick)

And I went to the red light districts of Amsterdam again, two times, not actually visiting a prostitute, just looking. This is so sick, the red light districts are just the absolute worst places to go to as a client, given all the forced prostitution that happens there. Luckily I didn’t feel anything sexually. Perhaps becoming an asexual is really easier than I thought.

I am sick. I must visit a shrink who really understands me, my behavior is really obsessive. :(

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

An independent prostitute

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A new independent-prostitute story. I have a tendency to pick the sad stories. Wasn't my ultimate goal to search for voluntarily prostitutes? Anyway, I read a story in the weekly magazine ‘Intens – verhalen uit jouw leven’ (from the makers of ‘Mijn Geheim’). The NR. 07/11 issue contains a story about a prostitute, ‘Lana werkte als prostituee – Ik ga voor een nieuw leven’ [Lana worked as a prostitute - I aim for a new life]. It tells a story about a young woman that has worked in a so-called 'privéhuis', that is a type of brothel where clients are led into a separate room where they meet the prostitutes, make a choice, and go to another room with a prostitute of their liking. This story makes clear how prostitutes really think about clients, like me. And it makes clear how dangerous working in prostitution is. Don't believe the happy hooker stories. Prostitutes don't mean it when they say that they love their clients. As a matter of fact, don't believe any happy story. Mother Earth didn't create hell to be a nice place to live in. I'm still wondering why I actually still post messages on my blog, now that I have slowly realised that it's not only prostitution per se that's bad, but it is sexuality and work in general that's bad. It's not only prostitutes who are abused, but all workers and people who have sex are abused. The world is a bad place. The solution: minimise consumption and don't visit prostitutes, and don't have sex. Minimising consumption will relieve mother Earth from the environmental strain we put on her, and it will lessen the workload, stress and injuries of all workers. Having no sex with prostitutes will stop the awful things happening in the sex industry, like sex trafficking. Having no sex will prevent all rapes. It will make the world a better place. BTW: don’t buy and consume products originating from animals, and castrate/sterilize your cat or dog.

As you might have expected, I translated a very small segment of the Dutch article into English:

I haven't had an easy childhood. My father was manic depressive, addicted to alcohol and drugs, and he was regularly imprisoned for violent acts. In the past, my mother, my little brother and I have also often ended up in a blijf-van-mijn-lijfhuis [a shelter for battered women]. My father molested and threatened us under the influence of alcohol and drugs. He threatened among other things that he would murder us. Or that he would kidnap me and my little brother to abroad. My parents ultimately divorced. Since then, me and my father rarely have contact.

I have a good bond with my mother. Especially after all that we have been through together. But because she got many different boyfriends after the divorce, and we often had to move house from pillar to post, it was no stable situation at home. I had a need for rest, for my own place and I couldn't wait to start my own little life.

Approximately two years ago, I started to live on my own in a student house. It was a cosy house with nice girls and I felt comfortable. I followed an mbo-study [intermediate vocational education] in social work. But the problems started soon already. I worked very hard with my study, two days of practical training and a job on the side. I simply didn't manage to earn enough. I did receive a grant, but I couldn't even pay my rent with that. Let alone the rest of my fixed expenses and purchases. And when I felt sad, I have the tendency to buy things, that makes me happy. I ultimately spent more and more on things like going out, clothes and cigarettes.

Added to all this, since the moment I lived alone, suddenly everything from my past came to the surface. Because of my study, where the same kind of problems were taught, but also because there was such a big difference between my classmates, housemates and me. I had already experienced so much misery, have seen so much more pain and sadness than the girls among my acquaintances. My housemates were all on the University and came from decent, rich families. They have never experienced something radical in their life. Even the rent was paid by their parents!
I realised more and more that I was an outsider. It all became too much for me and within two months I was completely worn out. I became depressed and I had to cry whole day long. I had a constant headache and I was super-tired. I was really a wreckage.
So the school advised me to take a break and referred me with urgency to a psychologist. It turned out there, that psychologically many things were wrong. I can't remember it exactly anymore, it was quite a list. But at least I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, an attachment disorder and there were more things like that. I went to a psychologist once every two weeks, but I didn't feel understood. After a couple of months I stopped with it. In the meantime I did resign from my little job. Which resulted in the situation that I probably had to live at home again. But despite the financial problems, I didn't feel comfortable about that. My mother and I could get on well with each other, but I preferred to be independent and live my own life.

When I explained my situation to a girlfriend, she had a different solution for me... She proposed to work together with her in a light erotic club. When she told that she earned large amounts of money, my interest was awakened. It so happened that I needed money dearly. My rent had to be paid and I had to go shopping, I didn't have anything to eat anymore.
When I accompanied my girlfriend during one evening, I quickly discovered that it was actually a little bit more than a light erotic club. It simply was a privéhuis [brothel] where women sold their body! I found it shocking and I felt very uncomfortable. At that moment, I preferred to run away with high speed, but something obstructed me. And that was money. If I didn't manage to get money quickly, I had to leave my house and stop with my study. I felt I had no choice and decided to try it anyway.

I started in November 2009. I'll never forget that first evening. I didn't look forward to it, I was very nervous. I found my first client – an untidy man in his forties - very scary and rancid.
That first evening I had sex with as many as five or six men. I worried about everything. I was afraid that the condom would tear, afraid that I would become pregnant. I felt terribly guilty towards the families of those men. I then briefly thought: what am I doing here for goodness' sake?
I did also cry the first evening, because I realised that I crossed many of my boundaries. I had had sex with multiple men. And I have done things in the sexual area that I have never done before, such as certain positions and oral sex. And I immediately had to have sex with somebody who was twice as old as I am. For me that was all a big deal, but it didn't interest these clients. You are worth nothing for them. They even didn't know my name. I found that awful. I got over it by thinking about the money.

After that evening, I felt proud on the one hand. I went home with more than six hundred euro, I have never had so much money! Now I know that many bosses give you an extra lot of money the first evening, so you will think that you will always earn so much, and want to keep on working because of that... But I didn't see that at that time. I was happy that I had enough money to pay my rent and to shop. On the other hand , I also felt very dirty and strange, as if somebody else had lived in my place that evening. It was very unreal. It shocked me how easy it was to turn the switch and to play whore. But I have always had a fairly low threshold concerning sex. Perhaps it is actually caused by my past.

I was abused as a child by a family member whom I loved a lot. Because of this, I have learned very early on, that through sex I could receive 'positive' attention, that you could get men to do a lot of things for you. Once that is inside your head, the step to sell your body is perhaps smaller.
Before I started to do this work, I never had a boyfriend. I only knew sex without emotion, and I didn't know better. Perhaps that worked to my advantage.
I also found myself rather clever. Other girls of my age had sex as often as I had, but they didn't become richer by doing it. I did.
For my own peace of mind, I didn't think too much about all the things I had to do for the money... After that first evening, I also never again showed my emotions. Because when men see that you are vulnerable or sensitive, then they will abuse that. I cut myself off of my feelings and out of self protection I adopted a different role at my work.

Initially I thought that the work in the club would be temporary, so I could at least pay my rent. It wasn't my plan to do this for a longer time. But it turned out differently. I was completely in cloud nine about the money that streamed in. For a girl like me - who never had much money - it was addictive. Within a couple of months already, I could only think about my work. Within a short period, I had a clientele with whom I could make ends meet just fine. I got things well fixed. But the money wasn't the only matter. At last I had found something which I was 'good' at, the men found me wonderful. Each evening, I dolled myself up and I played the role of a spontaneous, beautiful, bright, young and sexy girl.

In the spring of 2010, I also stopped with school, so I could fully focus on my work. Going to school and working became more and more difficult to combine. It often became very late during the evenings that I worked. I couldn't cope anymore with getting up early and to go to school or my practical training. In the meantime, I began to lag behind more and more at school, and ultimately I also wasn't motivated anymore.

During that period, I met my current boyfriend Ben. He knew from the start what kind of work I did. He didn't like it. Not because he was jealous, but because he often worried when I was working. He also preferred that I would stop. But he accepted it, because he knew that I found it difficult to do 'normal' work, and he realised that I also had to make ends meet. The only thing he wanted, was to see me happy. But I did notice that this work wasn't really good for our relationship. In itself I could see it separately from each other. What I did at my work, were routine jobs as it were. There were no feelings attached to that. He was the only one who received love. Still it was difficult.
It happened for example sometimes, that after working in the evening, I didn't feel like having sex. Or that I was distant towards Ben, because I found myself dirty, even when I had a shower for three times already.
When I got to know him, I was regularly depressed. He pulled me out of that by being there for me, to listen to me, and to do nice things together. With Ben I have the certainty for the first time, that a man really likes me for who I am and really cares about me. Now that I have found somebody whom I trust, I have learned to open myself for my feelings and to love somebody.

Except for my boyfriend and one girlfriend, nobody knew that I did this work. I kept it for myself, because I felt ashamed. I was afraid that people would find me dirty and cheap. Even my mother didn't know it. She thought that I worked in a bar. It hurt that I had to lie. But I knew that the truth would hurt her even more. She has gone through a lot already in her life, and I didn't want her to worry about me.

For two years I became completely absorbed into that little world. In the beginning, I still had a lot of beautiful plans. If I would do this for a couple of months, then I could pass my driving test, buy a house, go pleasantly on vacation and pay for my study. But nothing came of it. I mostly worked between three and four evenings per week, and I earned on average two hundred euro during one evening. But often the money was used up within no time because of taxes, clothes, fitness centre, rent, shopping and the interior of the new little house where Ben and I lived for a short time now. And lots of money was used up because of going out, alcohol and drugs.
Because of this work I could make ends meet very well for a short while. But if I look back, I feel sick about the fact that I didn't succeed to save money. But I found it very difficult then. I thought: this money is what I have earned, now I'm also going to spend it the way I want it. I have earned a lot. But if I ascertain what I had to do for it, and how little I made out of it, then it wasn't worth it.

Looking back I feel regret that I started to do this work. If I would have known what kind of impact it would have on my life, I would have never started it. But I didn't realise at that time, that selling my body would only psychologically wreck me even more. I was completely sucked empty because of all the bad energy which surrounds this work. Without noticing it, I am empty, hard and shallow. My emotions have been smoothed enormously. Because of this work, my emotions came standing miles away from me. I can't even cry anymore about sad things such as films or music. And because of the fact that drugs and alcohol use in that world are the most natural thing in the world, I also started to use. After taking a little pill or a little drink, it all was somewhat more pleasant. At that moment it did help me, at least I could hide away my feeling this way.

It is a rock-hard world, full of alcohol and drugs, jealousy between the girls, and annoying clients. Old, dirty men for example who could have been my grandfather. Because when sex didn't work because of drugs, then it was my fault. And that often resulted in violence or threats. I have experienced many awful things during the last two years. Rapes, threats, violence. When I think back about that, it makes me angry that men treated me like old garbage, as a sort of blowup doll. The worst thing that I have experienced, was that a client has tried to strangle me and he even took off the condom during sex. That was terribly frightening. I then threatened that my boss would come upstairs with a pistol when I wouldn't come downstairs when time had run out. He then quickly left. But therefore you actually have little protection. Safety is far to seek. I immediately went to the hospital for a morning-after pill. I couldn't bear thinking about becoming pregnant of such a man.

Ultimately I began to realise more and more that I didn't want to keep on with this work for forty years longer. But I was very insecure. Because of everything that I have experienced, I have the feeling that I am never good enough and that a normal life is not granted to me. I clamped frenetically to my work, the money, the clients, the drugs. I had the idea that I was only worth something when I played whore. That's what I heard day in day out you see, from colleagues, clients and my boss. I was very good in talking clients into going upstairs, flirting and to get drinks out of them. And I received compliments for that. When I was chosen by the clients instead of another girl, that gave me an enormous ego boost. But I now do realise that it is not good to derive your self confidence from that. Because the fact that somebody wants to go to bed with you for money, is not something to be proud of! The last months, I became more and more reluctant to do this work. The last straw was for me, when more and more nasty things happened, and my boyfriend began to worry more and more. A couple of weeks earlier, when I was attacked by another crazy client, it was enough. Since then, I sit at home.

I am determined to turn my life upside down. I don't want to be a prostitute for the rest of my life. The violence, the stress, the alcohol and drugs. It demolishes you. Since I have stopped, I did actually fall into a hole a bit. Only now I realise how many things I have experienced, which risks I have taken, and in what life-threatening situations I have been. It often enough could have gone wrong with violent clients, alcohol or drugs. When I think back to it now, I am happy that I am still there and that I haven't become addicted to anything.

In the meantime I use drugs far less, I only blow dope every now and then to calm down. Looking back, I also do find it awful that I have had sex with hundreds of men during the past years, while I am still so young. Furthermore I absolutely don't like the idea of doing 'normal' work. I am bothered by fear of failure. I am afraid that I am not good at anything, that I am unable to do it, and that my boss isn't satisfied.
When I think about being assessed on what I can do instead of my appearance, I get stomach ache.

But I worry the most about the question if I can make ends meet with a 'normal' salary. I have recently applied for a job in a clothes shop. Nothing came of it. But when I look what I would earn there, I become scared out of my wits. Because despite all the awful sides of the work in the club, it also pampered me. I could work whenever I wanted, and I earned well. And when you earn a lot, you also adapt your life to that. I had my nails done every week, I regularly went to the solarium, and every couple of months I had my hair extensions placed. I never had money in the past. That's why it was pleasant that I finally could do and buy whatever I liked. I am so used to spending lots of money. I rationally know that I could survive with less quite well, together with Ben's income we can manage quite well. But still it is a big changeover. Now that I have no income, the financial problems surface again. And I find it hard to accept that.

Sometimes I'm afraid every now and then that this work will always keep on haunting me. Difficult moments are when I walk with Ben in the city and I encounter a former client. Then I really cringe. Because I know I can’t do it alone, I have also sought help again via my psychologist. I hope that she can help me further again. Because I still struggle with psychological problems. It strongly varies how I feel. One day it goes better than the other. I have a depression in bursts. Especially because it is uncertain what my future will look like. Luckily my boyfriend is always there for me. We are together half a year in the meantime, and he means everything to me. Ben pulls me through everything. It won't become easy, but I am convinced of it that I can leave this behind together with Ben.

After the last incident at my work, Ben and I have talked extensively. We have decided to move to a different house in the future, and to start a new life somewhere else.
For the time being, I will do temporary work. Our plan is to look carefully what kind of work I really want to do. I want to do a home study at least, and to get my mbo-diploma. Perhaps something in the direction of marketing and communication. Furthermore I happily want to do something with writing. That has always been my wish. A column in a magazine for example. Or write a book about my life.
And I would like to be a mother. At this moment my life isn't stable enough and I find myself still too young. But my wish to have a child does give me an extra drive to turn my life around. As a little girl, I already dreamt of suburban bliss. Together with my boyfriend, building up a 'normal' little life, starting a little family, and become happy. That's where I aim for!

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Forgive me

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After almost 5 weeks of being asexual, I finally broke. I visited a porn site. It was the website of Verona van de Leur. It wasn't really hard-core, only the woman in question posing nude. I was afraid that this would happen. But I mustn't give up. There was a big urge, a big curiosity to look what has changed on her website since the last time I visited the particular website. That curiosity grew and grew. I could suppress it for a while, but I finally gave in.

I now know that I really am not an asexual. I suppress my sexuality, but it is still there. I dream about it. Last night I even dreamt that I visited the red light districts of Amsterdam. I also dreamt a couple of days ago, that two girls stripped naked for me, and they allowed me to push my finger into their anuses. I also dreamt that I was naked in a room where other people that I knew were also naked. I saw that a beautiful girl I know in real life, took off her underwear, so I could look at her beautiful naked ass. She was talking with other people, standing around a high table. They were all naked. They didn't seem to be bothered about being naked, focusing instead on their conversation, smiling and laughing. A woman that I didn't know and who was also naked, embraced me. Her head rested on my shoulder. I could feel her warm soft body against mine. I felt lucky that she hid my genitals from public view. I felt ashamed.

The urge to visit a prostitute is clearly still there. I'm still making plans in my head to visit a prostitute, which day, which time, which train, which city. Because I haven't masturbated for almost 5 weeks, I know that I will have absolutely no problems with being sexually excited while visiting a prostitute. I know that the longer I am not sexually active, the easier it becomes to get sexually aroused. This is dangerous.

I know that I have a clear goal. My goal is not to think about, see, or participate in sexuality. All sexuality is oppression, an abomination, a perversion. There are no excuses. I have watched pornography. I lost. But that isn't an excuse to keep on watching, although I am an abuser anyway. I must persevere, not give up. There is hope. I hope that Sheila Jeffreys is right when she says that there is nothing natural about sexuality, that sexuality is learned behaviour within a patriarchal society where people, especially women, are oppressed. If that is true then I can unlearn, deprogram myself. There is nothing natural about debasing a person, objectifying a person, humiliating a person, desecrating a person, pushing my boundaries at the cost of others and myself. I must accept that sometimes I will fail. But I mustn't use failure as an excuse to keep on failing.

I hope one day I will have completely deprogrammed myself of my sexuality, and that I will fully respect people, especially women. Since a couple of days, I'm reading the works of Andrea Dworkin. I have already read a few chapters of her book 'Intercourse'. She made a big impression upon me. I think I will write something on my blog about what she says. I am learning a lot. She is really opening my eyes even further. She sees things that others refuse or are unwilling to see.